Seven facts to help maintain a relationship with someone suffering from mental illness.
It's not easy to manage a relationship with someone suffering from mental illness. Consider Russell Crowe in the movie Gladiator; mental illness can be somewhat similar. Russell steps onto the battlefield aware of the immense challenge ahead, yet uncertain of what will come, the magnitude of it, the readiness of his adversary, or the duration of the conflict. Russell has no way of knowing if he will survive the ordeal. All he understands is that survival likely means preparing for another fight soon after. He also recognizes that, regardless of the outcome, his fate is not in his own hands. He is unaware if the powers that be will allow him to see another day. For him, there is no victory, only opportunities to face loss.
Here are seven things you need to be aware of in order to have an effective relationship with someone suffering from mental illness.
1. You are in the driver seat
The thing about having a mental illness is that there's always something happening in your mind; it's a constant, 24/7 experience. While it may seem selfish that a mate with mental illness is less proactive in maintaining your relationship than they were before their illness, it's important to understand that it's not feasible for them to take the lead.
Mental illness is not the fault of anyone, but if you feel overwhelmed being the person suddenly responsible for organizing all the gatherings and always being the one to initiate contact, it may be too challenging to have someone with a mental illness in your life. It's okay to ensure that your relationships are mutually beneficial, so don't feel guilty if you need to step back from the relationship.
Be aware that your friend with mental illness is probably doing their best, and your support, along with continued understanding and commitment to the relationship, would be very meaningful to them. They realize that the onus to maintain the relationship lies with you, and this likely weighs heavily on their heart.
2. People get "stuck"
Consider the feeling of being "stuck." When stuck, one typically experiences one of two states. Either you're in a state of paralysis, dwelling on all the reasons for your stagnation and feeling powerless to alter your circumstances, or you distract yourself by relegating your situation to the background and engaging in other activities. For some, this diversion can be constructive, allowing them to progress, but for others, it may lead to harmful behaviors, particularly for those with addictive tendencies. It's important not to judge them; many people become deeply stuck, and often their reactions are more instinctive than deliberate.
3. They may not always answer the phone
Many individuals find themselves in a situation where they are actively involved in a relationship but encounter a new challenge. Despite their best efforts to nurture the connection, they feel that their friend who is struggling with mental illness is pushing them away, evident in behaviors such as not responding to phone calls.
The person in the supportive role may feel frustrated when they realize that their mentally ill friend is choosing not to answer their calls, which can be perceived as selfish and hurtful. It is important to recognize that the individual with mental illness is constantly working to create a sense of safety in their environment. Ignoring phone calls and leaving mail unopened are ways in which they try to maintain this safe space, as introducing new elements can be overwhelming for them. Calls from loved ones are scary and calls from unknown numbers are terrifying.
While it may seem straightforward to answer a call or open a letter, these actions can be extremely challenging for someone dealing with mental illness. It requires a great deal of understanding and empathy from the friend to not interpret this behavior as rejection. Remembering that these actions are driven by the individual's need for safety rather than a reflection of their feelings towards you can help in comprehending the situation, although it may not necessarily make maintaining the relationship any easier.
4. Mental illness is a solo experience
Mental illness is a deeply personal journey. Those who suffer often feel isolated, as it's challenging to articulate their struggles. The path forward is to persevere, maintaining a facade of normalcy for the sake of others.
For me, I find comfort in a social media singing/karaoke app called Smule, which lets me sing with new friends worldwide. It's rejuvenating to see a side of myself that's been absent for years. On Smule, I am confident, lively, inventive, and adept—traits I admired in my former self but struggle to see in my current state. This platform also allows me to present to the world an image of wellness, which is crucial to me. I seek not sympathy but understanding. Additionally, the casual nature of these online friendships is appealing; they demand little of me, ensuring I won't inadvertently harm those I cherish.
5. Appearing “all good” is a disguise
The adage "fake it until you make it" is often cited, and it could be a mantra for those grappling with mental illness. It's about maintaining the best appearance to both ward off the stinging, unsympathetic sympathy from others, and to protect love ones from feeling helpless spectators watching a victoryless battle.
The issue with "faking it" is that it can seem disingenuous. When a friend, known for their authenticity, starts to act uncharacteristically, it's puzzling. Remember, they might be building barriers to shield you from their struggle.
Consider this: sharing problems was possible before, but mental illness presents a continuous, monotonous challenge with no joint solutions. They're fighting a solitary battle, and it demands immense effort to merely observe, much less muster the bravery to join them in their fight.
6. It’s good to talk about it
Believe me, a true friend grappling with mental illness is likely eager to discuss it with you. They desire to share all the details so you can understand each other's perspectives as you have in the past. They might minimize their struggles if they even acknowledge them at all. Nonetheless, it's a topic you can broach. Approach them with sincerity and sensitivity, but by asking questions like “How's your head?” “What’s been happening lately?” “What does it feel like when that happens?” you signal your readiness to join them in their fight and support them through their challenges.
Reaching the point of asking “What does it feel like when that happens?” requires bravery. You may have to persistently encourage them, breaking through dismissive remarks like “I’ve been better these last few weeks” or “I think I’m improving slowly”—responses that are often meant to ease your concern rather than convey the extent of their suffering from an illness that isn't visibly apparent.
7. Genuine empathy
Empathy is a word that we throw around all the time. Where sympathy is “wow, that must be really hard for you” or “bless your heart,” empathy is “I think I know that feeling, it reminds me of this time I broke up with my boyfriend and I couldn’t eat or get out of bed for a week, it’s like that tenfold with no light at the end of the tunnel.”
That’s empathy, digging deep into your own bank of experience to find something relatable which demonstrates that they are not alone in their experience because you understand. It shows you are prepared to be vulnerable with them, you are prepared to be truthful and bring up difficult emotions which pave the way for your friend to do the same. You create a safe space and let them know that you are prepared to enter the battlefield with them.
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